Bette Davis

i feel sorry towards the internet

today i rode the chinatown bus

there was a man behind me who talked on his phone three times, his voice was extra gentle

i haven't eaten anything since 10 this morning

i bought pants from h&m

it seems weird how fashion changes

i've been thinking about college a lot

i feel apologetic about my life or something

i keep imagining myself cleaning my room and selecting courses for next year but i don't

hipsterrunoff

i read like thirty hipsterrunoff posts in a row. carles communicates a lot in a small space.

the internet seems fat. uncomfortable. when i read the poem in brandon scott gorrell's book '...nervous breakdown...' that i don't remember the name of where he says like, i like making images that don't really make sense or something, i felt better. because sometimes i'd read images and feel worried that i didn't get something. and when writing images i'd feel worried i should have a clearer plan. 

remember when daniel handler said ellen kennedy's writing was wild and free and like... lunch with nonfriends. 

'i don't know why i'm writing any of this down right now, i feel like the ethos of a blog post is 'teehee, i'm trying to portray casual indifference while secretly knowing that i'm very important, obviously i am important because i have an audience,' because i know that shouldn't i be immune to it or something?' - megan boyle

i have no goal in this blog post

lately i've felt shitty, like, zero friends and bored a lot

i'm too tired to make the internet love me

lol jk

i wish i was actually famous and said 'adoring fans' unironically

or whatever

no idea what irony is

i'm posting for attention

sorry

this post is like highly different from anything in my brain

blogging about various topics, hehe

unsure about identity i'm presenting
i don't know what other people think when they look at me and stuff

that's bad, i feel

unable to fight obesity and general bad health
people get fat and die early because they didn't eat well when they were young

today i ate a twix, a mango snapple, some cottage cheese and pineapple, and a slice of reheated pizza

i'm not 'in control of my life'

just kidding, avoiding responsibility!!!

self conscious about everything
sometimes i think of something and then laugh

but i do it stupidly like self consciously

surprising nice things from my brain
people 'mill around' me in the library, i wrote that while not looking at the screen or really thinking about it, nice to know my brain puts quotes around things when i'm not paying too much attention or something

nervous about dishonesty
this blog is a highly inaccurate rendering of me irl i feel

like irl i wouldnt be able to say any of these things without laughing i think, and like while i type them i sort of smile and giggle inwardly

it was only cheap because it's not cool any more
today i'm wearing a plaid purple sweatshirt i got for 10 dollars from h&m, it has a strange collar thing. felt extra not fat in h&m dressing room despite that i'm 'fattest ever' presently.

is this good or bad
my style is evolving hehe

i should blog about actual things and stop just saying stuff that happens to me

i'm sick from an agriculturally based diet

i smell body odour

who is producing that body odour!

heh heh heh heh heh

i have to go work on a stephen crane paper

when i typed that i felt the urge to eat to make myself feel better

work is hard

lazy mother fuckers

people in hunter gatherer societies only have to work three hours a day

doing things that benefit them directly in ways they can see like food and water things

my throat hurts

should i just go buy a pack of oreos and a large thing of carrot juice and eat them in a park with a book i go get from the library? i am having urges to do that. that seems like the ideal thing i want to do all the time. maybe my ideal thing is eating bananas in the amazon forest. my ideal things always involve eating. this is bad. i'm too alone. if you feel too alone, call xxxxxxxxxxxx and ask for victoria, and we can plan a way to get to the amazon forest and start a hunter gatherer society. no crank calls please or i will probably get in trouble. if you google my number now will this blog come up? anyway, please do that really.

ps why did hits drop a lot after thursday, i don't understand hits

v low quality post

i am wearing clean clothes again today







i want to have a way of dressing in which i am aware of all the aspects of my appearance and think they contribute to the effect they produce combined or something. like. sometimes people have clothes on and they look stupid. but you can tell they bought those clothes in order to look good. people trying to be gangster or something, what is it called now, but their pants are too wide or something, and you can tell that they have failed. so, i want to not have any of those things.







right now the bottom of this h&m purple casual thickish knit cotton dress that i'm wearing keeps folding up a tiny bit, and that doesn't contribute to the effect i am trying to produce. also there are some small spots on it.







i think i'm wearing clean, attempting to be cool or something and attractive clothes
because the jamaican gave me a goal which was
wear clean clothes and be confident and mature, haha, no really, and, told me the result of that would be me going places with him







his life is really interesting or something, it's more interesting than mine anyway, i dunno. this is gay. i feel stupid. teenage girls seeking affirmation. he plays soccer a lot and is really good at it. because of being jamaican. and the way he talks is hardly jamaican sounding at all







i think i want to be the female equivalent of how the jamaican who wants to have sex with me dresses





let's talk about that





um. it is very precise gangster. cleanness is very important


things he has said about his appearance:


'i like to wear small clothes,'


'my style is clean and fresh'


it seems like a lot of effort has been put into his appearance for his whole life, and now it's routine and regular for him to dress this way. other people who i think this also describes: celebrities i think, like, ashley olsen and stuff. also people in movies, because their clothes and stuff have been all carefully selected. lots of people look like this maybe. pictures of people in magazines often





so that is the precision aspect, there is also the gangster aspect, let me try to describe








this type of hat. but when he wears them fit more tightly, and cover up his hair mostly. his hair is almost a fauxhawk but more gradual




















this type of sweatshirt












tuesday he was wearing black sweatpants. they looked clean and neat.

i feel like i look fucked up or whatever all the time and won't be able to achieve clean fresh small gangsterish clothes.

i think i've spent forty five minutes on this post. because i tried to edit things in the beginning and then i spent a lot of time google imaging things



i don't know what the female equivalent of this would be. i suck at clothes. ahhhhhhhh. hehe. this post was bad, sorry everyone. no one cares, no one is there. this is what i should do: have short posts every 1-2 days. that seems good for traffic. damn, hits spiked yesterday though. idk idk

why have black people chosen blistex

my eyes hurt and my face is hot, i have felt hot today all day, maybe because it is raining

there's a guy eating a lollipop loudly three computers away, is he talking on the phone or to himself? when the librarian came near he got quiet. there's a guy over there who i thought was really short but is actually in a wheelchair

there's a jamaican who wants to have sex with me who i almost had sex with but then didnt, which seems worse than just refusing to have sex completely

it would be bad if someone from my family found my blog i think

he told me on the walk back to the bus stop from his house to throw away my shirt, it was dirty and always wear clean clothes, and get money from my siblings to get clean clothes, and then he would 'take me places with him'. because 'the people you are around tell other people about what you are like' and he 'likes people who wear clean clothes.' i am quoting concepts not actual words. i don't know if he was saying things partly to 'assert his masculinity' or whatever. probably not, though. he said 'you are weird' many many times. he said 'it's almost like you like not wearing clean clothes.' and stuff. so today my clothes are clean. i'm wearing brown pants and a yellow shirt and a blue sweater thing that stops after my shoulder blades. a shrug. i'm wearing a blue shrug.

um. so. what should i do. everyone vote. i think by 'dirty' the jamaican didn't mean with dirty as much as, homeless looking or something. previously he has used the word 'plain' to describe how i dress and presented the alternative 'flashy'. i don't know bro. i talked to my sister on the phone about it and she said 'well why do you dress like that.' hehe.

i should obey the jamaican, yes? yes. and also i am supposed to be more mature. 'you're sixteen right, but you don't have to act like that.' the jamaican is eighteen. 'sixteen year olds act immature.' his brother is sixteen, i met his brother, i mean, he was walking around putting things in his pockets and peeing and his brother came in, and seemed amused, and said things in patois to the jamaican. the brother seems equal in 'maturity' to the jamaican, from the three minutes i spent in his presence. is it bad to blog about this. i feel that it's funny that if you google me results about actual me come up, i don't know, it seems really easy for anyone i know to find this, what if they all read my blog.

i said what do you mean immature, and the jamaican said, like you laugh too much. or something. which i agree with really, i mean, i laugh a lot because of being nervous and trying to make people 'acknowledge' that we're in a 'social situation'. i'm just kind of 'throwing' quotation marks 'out there' now

also while he was telling me to be more clean clothed, he said, you're laughing about this but i'm serious, or something, which was true that was what was happening

i kept saying 'but' and then saying why i disagreed after he said things and he told me to stop doing that. then i said 'but' and he stopped me and then i said 'i like to think about things' or something and he said 'well don't! just do it!' haha, which seems true though or something, thinking about things hasn't helped me 'achieve happiness,' and also i would like it if someone always just told me what to do. but this jamaican will probably go away after we have sex some times, and then i will know what to do less. but maybe it will instill in me confidence and clean clothedness or something, causing people to like me and invite me to rainbow gatherings. i let some people sleep in my house when my parents went away overnight, some hippies or whatever that my friend met and told me about, because i thought i could run away with them, but they told me no, because they would get charged with kidnapping.

i have six minutes left on this computer

my mouth has tasted bad for like, three days straight and i am dehydrated, maybe that is related to being hot

the jamaican's body is good, he is wiry or something and really warm, he said he saw that i have potential to be clean and fresh or whatever but i don't or something. i think that when he initiated contact with me he viewed me as, quiet and nice or something, and also willing to have sex, but now i am quiet and annoying and boring and unwilling to have sex. i feel bad about this. i mean, i feel bad about the boring part.

um. now will i go try on clothes in dressing rooms? it is raining. um. three minutes left. i just typed things and didn't try to make them better because of so little time, and now there are a lot of words that i don't want to look at, i hope people don't like me less now

eeeee eee cummings

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

i feel physically uncomfortable

bianca casady says this song is about blah blah blah before cocorosie sings the live verson of turn me on by keven lyttle

i want to go find some people who live in warehouses and travel around being dirty or whatever

factors stopping me: physical tiredness, grey sky, very vague idea how to get to the dirty people

on the subway there was a man

he was sleeping when i got on at the first stop

other people got on

he woke up eventually

and shouted some stuff

i think he was drunk or hung over and missed his stop

then he asked this guy who was walking

what stop we were at

and they guy didnt answer

we were at north philadelphia which doesnt have any signs

and he was like ill beat up your punk ass!

everyone on the train didnt do anything

this one guy turned around a lot and looked at him actually

later that guy pulled a beer bottle in a plastic bag out of somewhere and took furtive sips from it